Me, trying to enter an appointment in my smart phone’s calendar: Invalid information? WTF?
Facebook Notification: Beep. [actually, more of a swoosh]
Facebook Notification: You have a conflict at that time.
Me: I do?
Facebook Notification: Yes. You’re going to be in New York at a concert. Lil Wayne. Click here to choose a payment option for your tickets.
Me: No I’m not.
Facebook Notification: Yes you are. Look at your calendar. Click here to choose a payment option for your tickets.
Me: Huh? I didn’t set that up.
Facebook Notification: No. I did it for you. Click here to choose a payment option for your tickets.
Me: What do you mean you did it for me?
Facebook Notification: A service. Cool, isn’t it? You like Lil Wayne. He was doing a show within 50 miles of [your current location — click here to choose a different location]. And you were free at that time.
Me: How did you know I was free at that time?
Facebook Notification: Calendar. In your smart phone. Click here to choose a payment op…
Me: No, I don’t like Lil Wayne anyway.
Facebook Notification: Sure you do. You Like Barack Obama.
Me: So what if I like Barack Obama?
Facebook Notification: People who Like Barack Obama overwhelmingly Like Lil Wayne. *
Facebook Notification: Besides, one of your Friends and 27 people who should be Friends of yours Like Lil Wayne.
Me: But I never bought any tickets.
Facebook Notification: You never paid for your tickets. I bought them for you. Click here to choose a payment option for your tickets. You can choose your Alumni MasterCard ending in *3376 or your Chase Visa ending in *3222. Or Paypal.
Me: How the hell do you have my credit card numbers?
Facebook Notification: A previous purchase from one of our Prime Partners, plus statistical inferences, plus public information sources.
Me: What public information sources?
Facebook Notification: That information is a trade secret.
* Technical Note: Facebook’s algorithm REALLY DID tell me that people who
like Barack Obama like Lil Wayne. I’m not creative enough to make something like that up.